


The One with Porn, Canada, Netflix, Bargaining, and Coming Out

by orphan_account



Series: Wendy Coming Out [1]
Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Coming Out, F/F, Fluff, Humor, Wendy is the farthest thing from subtle, Wensé is a thing, Yadong Epidemic 2.0, mentions of porn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-12
Updated: 2020-01-12
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:19:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,371
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22220179
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It’s not like Seungwan hadn’t tried to tell the girls before. She had, individually and as a group, more than once. But no matter how many times Yerim waved the gay pride flag around or Seulgi sang suggestively sapphic lyrics, she couldn’t bring herself to tell them the truth. Here are the four times Seungwan almost came out, and the one time she did (but didn’t have to).
Relationships: Park Chaeyoung | Rosé/Son Seungwan | Wendy
Series: Wendy Coming Out [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1604080
Comments: 4
Kudos: 132





	The One with Porn, Canada, Netflix, Bargaining, and Coming Out

**Author's Note:**

> It’s not like Seungwan hadn’t tried to tell the girls before. She had, individually and as a group, more than once. But no matter how many times Yerim waved the gay pride flag around or Seulgi sang suggestively sapphic lyrics, she couldn’t bring herself to tell them the truth. Here are the four times Seungwan almost came out, and the one time she did (but didn’t have to).

“Seungwan-ah?”

Seungwan’s head whipped up from her desk, sheets of paper strewn out below her as she scribbled furiously along the lyric sheets. Joohyun was standing in her door, head poking in with a sheepish smile on her face. Setting her pen down, Seungwan turned to face her leader with a smile.

“Can I help you unnie?”

Joohyun scanned the room quickly, pointing a finger over towards Seungwan’s half-made bed to the laptop resting on the covers.

“My laptop is updating but manager oppa really needed me to do something, can I borrow yours?”

Seungwan wasn’t one to say no to anyone, especially Joohyun. So, she nodded and stood up, retrieving her laptop from the bed and handing it over to Joohyun. Joohyun gave her a grateful smile, eyes crinkling in the corners as she thanked Seungwan, turning to leave.

“Oh, the password is our debut date by the way.”

She put her hand on her nape, rubbing back and forth sheepishly as Joohyun giggled, of course her password would be something so cheesy and easy to guess. Joohyun lets her go back to her work, thanking her again and shutting her door behind her. Seungwan lets herself become engrossed in her work again, collaborating on lyrics with Yerim had proved to be a lot longer and more difficult of a task than it seemed. She was given the task of translating the lyrics as they literally were, then she would pass off the notes to Yerim who would change up to wording a bit. Her English skills had decreased drastically over the years of being away from Canada and only speaking in Korean ninety percent of the time, but she still retained a lot of the important aspects. She was halfway through the translations when there was a softer knock on her door.

“Come in.”

She knew from the knock that it was Joohyun; it didn’t take long to memorize the difference between the way each member knocked, especially after five years. Joohyun peeked her head into the room again, a faint blush on her cheeks that instantly made Seungwan nervous, why would Joohyun be blushing?

“I don’t mean to bother you but everything is in English and I can’t really understand how to change it.”

Seungwan almost lets out a sigh of relief, she realizes Joohyun is watching her and instead just nods slowly, standing from her chair with a dumb expression on her face.

“I’ll help don’t worry.”

She followed Joohyun out to the living room, slipping behind Joohyun once the woman sat down at their dining table where the laptop was perched. Seungwan squinted as she eyed the screen, Joohyun was currently using her internet browser to search whatever their manager needed her to, but she realized that she had changed her language back to English at some point. She just makes an understanding sound before leaning forward, slipping her finger over the mousepad and leading it towards the settings tab on her hot bar. She quickly changes the language back to Korean all while Joohyun watches silently. She clicks the browser open again and stands straight again, ready to tell Joohyun it should be fine when her eyes scan the tabs open. Her heart drops and she can feel her sympathetic nervous system kicks in when she sees the very familiar yellow and black logo.

_Lesbian Schoolgirls Scissoring_

She feels sick now, how could she have forgotten to close her porn tab? She always made sure to close the tab, especially when the name had anything remotely to do with lesbianism. She fights back a gasp as she bites her lip, watching Joohyun with wide eyes as the woman clicks a new tab open and resumes her work. There’s no plausible way that Joohyun didn’t see the tab open, is that why she was blushing earlier? Is she just trying to spare her feelings or dignity by not bringing it up? She didn’t realize she was still intently staring at the screen until Joohyun waved a hand in front of her face.

“Is this all that interesting to you?”

Joohyun’s voice was slightly amused and bewildered and Seungwan shook her head again, eyes going back and forth from Joohyun and her laptop screen before she smiled and laughed it off.

“Oh yeah, I’m really interested in,” her eyes lock onto the current tab and she thinks, _oh kill me now_ , “utility finances lately.”

It comes out slow and awkward and Joohyun can’t help but smile in amusement at the girl’s awkward behavior. She turns back to her work and Seungwan’s eyes shoot up to the browser tab based on instinct, how would she get herself out of this one? Joohyun clears her throat, stopping once more and giving Seungwan another bewildered look.

“I’m good now, you can go back to your work.”

It’s a lot less of a suggestion and a lot more of a request. Seungwan blushed slightly and let out a small awkward laugh, waving her hand and moving away quickly.

“Oh yeah sorry, let me know if you need anything else unnie.”

She shuts her bedroom door behind her after a noncommittal hum from Joohyun reaches her ears. She slaps herself over the head, seriously wondering how she could’ve left such a tab open when one of the girls could’ve seen it at any given point in time.

“Stupid!”

She groans in frustration and nervously paces, sitting once to work on the lyric translation again but quickly standing back up when she realized she couldn’t focus. She chewed her lip out of nervousness, tasting blood but not even minding. There really was no logical way to get out of this one if Joohyun were to question her, she’d be forced to tell her. But maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, she’s been meaning to tell them for years. She has to admit, out of all the possible scenarios she had imagined over the years, this was not on the list.

Thirty minutes later and a decent number of steps tracked on her smartwatch, Joohyun knocks on the door quickly. Seungwan opens it almost immediately, startling the leader as she holds the closed laptop in hand. She takes in Seungwan’s nervous appearance and bleeding lip and her brows furrow in concern.

“What’s going on with you?”

She hands the laptop over to the nervous girl, who quickly places it down on her bed and turns back to the confused leader. Her hands are knitted tightly in front of her as she looks into Joohyun’s eyes, almost pleading before she even opens her mouth.

“Unnie I—I hope you don’t think any different of me because of…”

Joohyun’s eyes flood with confusion, her head tilting to the side absentmindedly as she looks at Seungwan bewildered.

“Because of what? Are you feeling okay, what’s gotten into you?”

Her hand reaches out instinctively and feels the younger girl’s forehead. She gives her a weird look and Seungwan thinks for a minute that maybe it was possible that she hadn’t seen. She relaxes her shoulders (that she didn’t even know were tense to begin with) and just blinks a few times, eyes trained on Joohyun blankly.

“Because uhh… You know never mind unnie don’t mind me, I’m just super tired right now.”

Joohyun gives her a sympathetic, albeit still confused look, and just nods her head in understanding. She grabs one of Seungwan’s clammy hands and rubs her thumb over it gently, a small smile on her face.

“It’s okay Wan, you’ve been working really hard, why don’t you just get some rest and finish the work later?”

Seungwan nods fast, eager to get Joohyun out of the room so this entire exchange could be over. She rubs her neck awkwardly again, slipping her hand from Joohyun’s and sitting down slowly on her bed.

“Yeah, I will. Thanks, unnie.”

Joohyun gives her another smile and leaves the room just as fast, shutting the door quietly behind her. Seungwan’s smile drops and she flops back on her bed, throwing her hands over her face and groaning loudly. She shoots up, grabbing her laptop and logging on fast to find the tab still there. She clicks on it with a faint blush, remembering how her hand had crept into her (admittedly soaked) underwear the night before and stroked the most sensitive areas of herself. She closed the tab with an embarrassed squeak, shutting the computer and throwing it to the edge of her bed. Flopping back onto her pillows, she let out an astonished laugh, that was way too close for her liking. She’d be changing her computer password and switching her porn browsing habits to a private browser from now on.

-

For her first time back in Canada after seven years, Seungwan definitely expected to see a lot of old familiar faces that she had missed dearly. And she wasn’t wrong, many of her old classmates and even her old music teacher showed up at their concert. The pride she felt while performing for her family and friends while thousands of people cheered her and the girls on was the most overwhelming feeling. But her favorite part was getting to talk to them one on one backstage, hugging them and catching up quickly as she took photos with them and signed copies of their albums. So yes, Seungwan certainly expected to see a lot of familiar faces and by God was she happy to, but the last person she expected to see was her ex-girlfriend. Her eyes widened considerably and she leaned in for a hug, a disbelieving laugh leaving her lips.

“What are you doing here?”

She sounded excited, and that’s because she was. Their relationship hadn’t ended on a bad note, the two of them remained good friends after, both just realizing that maybe they didn’t want the same things out of life. It was heartbreaking when Seungwan left Canada to go back to Korea, leaving her girlfriend behind at the airport with a sad kiss. They had split up fast after that, Seungwan’s life becoming too hectic and her importance becoming greater and she couldn’t risk getting caught with something considered scandalous. The decision was mutual, both respectful of each other’s lives and choices, even staying friends and communicating regularly afterwards. She was Seungwan’s first love, first date, first kiss, first of many things, and she would always have that importance in Seungwan’s life. They pulled back, staring into each other’s eyes happily as if all that love had returned just by locking gazes once.

“I couldn’t not come! Come on I’ve been supporting your dream since high school!”

Seungwan laughed, her eyes were still wide with disbelief, this night could not be any more perfect. She hugs her close again, remembering how it felt all those years ago when she would be wrapped up in her arms.

“You’re right, you’re right. I’m so glad you came.”

She laughed into her shoulder, feeling her cheeks heat up as memories all flooded back to her. She had missed this so much, and now she got the chance to experience it again. She was still as beautiful as ever, her skin perfectly clear, her eyes the same warm brown Seungwan had fallen for, her hair short and perfectly straightened. Seungwan remembers sitting in her room during their Junior year, watching as the girl straightened her hair and made the room stuffy and hot from the heat. So much was coming back to her, and she couldn’t help the tears that escaped her eyes for the umpteenth time that night.

“Me too Seungwan.”

They were broken out of their little bubble quickly, a familiar figure approaching from the side and watching them with a confused smile as the two pulled away from one another. Seungwan turned to face Seulgi, the bear elated from meeting so many of Seungwan’s friends and family. Seungwan’s breath hitched slightly, involuntarily, as she looked back and forth between the two of them.

“Who’s this?”

Seulgi had long since given up on attempting English, switching back to Korean and hoping Seungwan would be kind enough to translate. Seungwan however, decided to speak in English because she knew Seulgi would understand, and it would be less of a hassle for her ex-girlfriend to understand.

“Seulgi, this is Julia. She’s my…”

Seungwan trails off as she looks at Julia, their eyes locking once more, all the love and adoration she had forgotten throughout the years becoming painfully clear. She opened her mouth, struggling to explain as she looked between the two of them. Julia gave her a slightly confused look before she looked at poor innocent Seulgi who just looked between them sweetly. Her expression changed to one of softness and she gently encouraged Seungwan with her eyes.

“She’s my friend, from way back.”

Seungwan can tell Julia seems disappointed, and it hurts her heart, but she couldn’t do it. She wasn’t ready, not tonight when she was already so high off of emotion. She wanted that to last just a bit longer, not wanting to bring herself down by being so painfully raw and vulnerable to the people she’s learned to call family. She breathed out silently as Seulgi’s eyes lit up and her smile created tiny little crescents. She reached out to shake Julia’s hand, the girl reaching out with a laugh and shaking it. Seulgi thought carefully for a minute, eyes focused on Julia before she smiled again.

“I am Seulgi, nice to meet you, Julia.”

Her name seemed to come off as a bit of a question, and Seungwan and Julia both laughed at the attempt. Seungwan just nodded to Seulgi and quickly exchanged a few words in Korean with her before the girl slowly nodded and turned back to Julia with a smile.

“Goodbye!”

Julia laughed at Seulgi’s departure, and she turned back to Seungwan as the bear-like girl skipped away happily. Seungwan’s smile faltered as their eyes met again, but Julia only gave her a gentle smile.

“They don’t know about you?”

Seungwan shook her head sadly, biting her lip nervously as she took one of Julia’s hands and looked around at her members. Joohyun and Yerim were talking animatedly with Seungwan’s family, Sooyoung harassing some of her old friends, and Seulgi talking to the backup dancers.

“It’s not like I haven’t tried to tell them, it’s just… I know they’d support me always; I’m just still scared of disappointing them you know? They’re my family now and I just…”

She rambles, slowly growing quieter until she just stops speaking, her eyes gazing over each of their happy faces. She didn’t have the heart to worry them like that, for if she was found out then their careers would be destroyed. Julia rubbed her thumb over her hand gently, sighing and giving Seungwan a loving look.

“It’s okay, I understand. You don’t have to explain yourself to me, Wendy.”

Hearing Julia use her stage name teasingly made her smile, the two of them laughing to break the somber mood that had settled over Seungwan like a blanket. Julia gave her a mischievous look, biting her lip as they fell into a comfortable silence.

“You know, I heard from a few little birdies that we’re staying at the same hotel.”

Seungwan catches on quickly, her cheeks heating up at the insinuation before Julia even finished what she was saying. She sends back a playful smirk regardless, her stomach filling with butterflies.

“Oh, is that true?”

Julia nods once with a confident ‘mhm’ and seductive gaze. Seungwan feels herself tingling, it had been a long time since she had been with anyone. Four years, twenty weeks, and three days to be exact, not that she was counting of course. Julia grabs the pen out of Seungwan’s pocket, grabbing her arm and writing down the number 246 on it. Seungwan stared at it, cheeks rosy and stomach already swirling at the idea.

“I’ll see you later, Seungwan-ah.”

Julia walks away with a wink, returning to a few of their mutual friends and joining the conversation as Seungwan stares at her hand dumbly. She shakes her head, snapping out of her haze and returning to the room full of people, ready to greet more of her old friends and reconnect. She makes eye contact with Julia a few times, blushing and smiling bashfully her way feeling like a giddy teenager again. And when she looks at her girl’s giving them each a big hug at the end of the night when they returned to their hotel, she realizes that she could’ve made a choice tonight. She missed out on the chance to come clean to her best friend by not telling Seulgi the truth about Julia, but she knows she will have more chances later. For now, she focuses on the chance that she did take that night, knocking on the room adorned with the number 246.

And boy, is she glad she took that chance.

-

If Julia had taught Seungwan one thing when they had reunited back in Canada, it was that she should embrace who she is a little more (also that after four years she hadn’t lost her skills in bed, but that isn’t important). So, she finds herself reading more LGBT empowering books online, or watching lesbian YouTubers and content makers, and even picking up new slang and attire along the way. Of course, all of this is done in the comfort of her own room, or whenever the other members had no chance of catching her. She had been paranoid ever since Joohyun had used her laptop, but it wouldn’t stop her from taking Julia’s advice. As for Julia herself, the two had started to converse over the phone again, but making it clear that they would never go beyond being friends (with benefits) again. Seungwan wasn’t too upset about it, they had both grown so much and those immature giddy lovebirds they used to be didn’t exist anymore. And so, Seungwan doesn’t feel disheartened when their tour ends and they head back to Korea, she’s beyond grateful for the time she had to spend with everyone, especially Julia.

It’s late one night when she finds herself in the living room, surrounded by the silence of the dorm, sans the hum of the air conditioner, and the darkness that came in the middle of the night. She felt comfortable enough to turn the tv on and watch a show Julia had recommended to her, especially since none of the members were home. Joohyun had flown off to Paris for a fashion show, both Seulgi and Yerim went on a vacation, and Sooyoung was off staying with her parents for a few days. Seungwan had all the free time in the world, she could walk around naked, scream as many sapphic lyrics as she wanted while she cooked dinner, watch as many movies and tv shows she’d never be able to watch with the other girls, she was free to do as she pleased. Of course, she missed the girls deeply, but it was nice to have time alone to herself, something she rarely had when the dorm was buzzing with life. So, she settled into the couch and gripped the remote tightly in her hand. The light from the tv illuminated the room, coloring her face in the darkness of the dorm. She scrolls through Netflix quickly, knowing her destination and taking as little time as possible to find it. She blushes just from the idea of watching this on their shared account but doesn’t think too much of it as she clicks on it.

_The L Word_

She can’t believe how quickly she became obsessed with the show, clicking next episode incessantly until it was bright outside and she realized she had watched the show all throughout the night. Seungwan finishes the current episode, sighing as she shuts the tv off and retreats to her bedroom with a yawn. She might seriously damage her sleep schedule, but who’s to say their upcoming schedules wouldn’t do that anyway. She sunk into her mattress, eyes shutting with a content sigh as she thought of the show that she was quickly growing obsessed with. Maybe Julia was onto something, telling her to embrace who she is.

She’s never felt more comfortable in her body.

That feeling changes very quickly however, coming only a week later when the group chat blows up with messages from Sooyoung. She feels her phone buzzing incessantly next to her as she watches Netflix on her laptop, already three seasons into the show and almost on the fourth. She picks her phone up and her eyes nearly pop out of her head, she feels her heart skip a beat when she opens the screenshot Sooyoung sent. It was of the Netflix home screen, the show she had been watching plastered right on the continue watching section. Seungwan thanks her lucky stars that the girls don’t have their own profiles, so who watches what is never distinguishable. She watches the messages flood in, dread filling her body as she exits the app on her laptop and slams it shut harder than she intended. 

[Sooyoung] 12:47

Who’s watching this???????

[Yerim] 12:48

Not exactly my kind of show Sooyoung unnie…

[Seulgi] 12:48

Not mine either haha

[Joohyun] 12:49

I rarely use Netflix.

[Yerim] 12:51

Seungwan unnie?

Seungwan feels her breath hitch, how was she supposed to get out of this one now. They were going to find out it was her and she was doomed, having no other choice but to tell them the truth. She thought quickly, she could just tell them, bite the bullet and let them know all at once over text that it’s her and yes, she is gay. But the thought terrifies her so much that she’s typing and sending a message before she even has a chance to react.

[Seungwan] 12:53

Not me, I use my parent’s Netflix account.

The chat stopped suddenly, no more messages, no more anything. And now Seungwan is smacking her head because her parents don’t even have a Netflix, what was she supposed to do? She groans as she opens up her laptop once more, logging out of Netflix and buying it all over again to pretend like it’s her family’s profile. Seungwan thinks this has to be at the top of the list as the dumbest thing she’s done to avoid coming out. She makes a bunch of fake profiles, mimicking her parents’ tastes in shows and making it look believable. All of it could’ve been for nothing really, but just in case one of the other girls grew suspicious and asked if she really used another account, she had (fake) proof. She’s not too worried about stopping the show on their shared account, because she’s almost positive that if any of the other girls had been watching it, the show would stay untouched on the continue watching page. She shuts her laptop with a relieved sigh, why had she been slipping up so much recently?

Seungwan is immensely glad that she decided to spend the money on an entirely new Netflix account the moment Sooyoung knocks and enters her room without permission. She startles when the taller girl stalks over to the bed with an unreadable expression.

“So, it’s really not you?”

They hadn’t discussed the incident since it had occurred earlier in the day, and Seungwan wasn’t sure she was ready for that conversation but here she was anyways. She shook her head, trying to hide her relieved smile as she pulled up the account on her phone, handing it over to Sooyoung and letting her look for herself. The girl spent a few minutes going through it before handing the phone back to Seungwan with a pout.

“I was so sure it was you, but it turns out you’re the most convincing of them all.”

She plops down next to Seungwan on the bed (uninvited, not that Seungwan would comment) and huffs. Seungwan can’t decide whether to be worried that Sooyoung thought it was her, or relieved that the girl no longer did. She stayed silent next to Sooyoung, observing her face cautiously as she watched the girl spring back up excited and lower her tone.

“So, who do you think it is?”

Seungwan couldn’t believe how Sooyoung had shifted. She pulled a pillow into her lap and turned to face Seungwan with an excited look on her face, leaning in closer. Seungwan shouldn’t be surprised, Sooyoung was always one for drama and gossip, but never amongst her own members before. She shifted uneasily, but tried to hide her discomfort by shrugging her shoulders. Sooyoung didn’t pay any mind to her body language and just continued on.

“I was thinking maybe Seulgi unnie since she almost never talks about relationships, but she doesn’t even understand any English and the show has no subtitles. And then I thought of Yerimmie but honestly, she’s so boy crazy, ugh her young hormones…”

Seungwan wants to point out that Sooyoung is only two years older than their youngest, but she refrains and lets her continue her monologue.

“And then Joohyun unnie, you know I can see her being… that way… but she’s right, she never uses Netflix. So now I’m at a loss because if its none of us then who is it? It really isn’t making any—”

“Sooyoung-ah…”

Seungwan can’t help but cut her off, she was growing more and more nervous by the minute. The girl had so many good points, and all of them pointed back to Seungwan as the culprit if she really thought about it. Sooyoung just looks at her patiently, she can see the younger girl trying to decipher what she was thinking or feeling and she hated it. _Just tell her, say it, tell her it was you._ She tries desperately to convince herself to do it, sure that Sooyoung would understand and be happy for her. But the moment her mouth opens, she can’t bring herself to do it anymore.

“Does it really matter? Would that make you look at them any different?”

Her voice drops softly, hiding so much of her own fear and pain behind the question, waiting impatiently for Sooyoung to answer. The girl just looks at her blankly for a moment, her eyes unreadable as ever.

“No of course not but I just, I don’t know. Why would they hide it from us? We’ve been a family for so long and for one of them to be hiding something so important from us, it just feels unfair.”

Seungwan can’t help the guilt that floods her system. Sooyoung is right, it isn’t fair that she’s hiding it from them, but it’s not fair to her either. She shouldn’t have to do this, she shouldn’t have to come out, it shouldn’t matter.

“Just imagine how they must feel Sooyoung-ah, whoever it is must be struggling a lot to accept it. Maybe they’re afraid that things will change between us.”

She tries to sound as detached as possible, hoping that ever perceptive Sooyoung won’t realize what she’s really doing. And to her relief, Sooyoung just sighs and nods with her eyes closed. She slumps forward into Seungwan, cuddling against her.

“You’re always right unnie. I just hope that one day, they have to courage to tell us.”

Seungwan bites back the ‘me too’ ready to escape her lips. She just lets out a hum of agreement instead, wrapping her arm around Sooyoung as they settle into a comfortable silence. Even long after Sooyoung leaves, Seungwan can’t help but feel guilty. Sooyoung opened her eyes to how much the others would be affected by her decision to come out. Would they all feel hurt that she didn’t tell them? Would they all feel like it was unfair? She’s not sure and that scares her, the thought of not knowing what the future holds for her keeps her awake at night.

Needless to say, Seungwan doesn’t touch another episode of that show ever again.

-

Seungwan’s ever-observant behavior and heart of gold more often than not landed her in uncomfortable situations, much to her distaste. This occurrence would be one of those times. It started when she noticed Yerim’s mood shifting, the happy girl was no longer as happy or confident in herself. She noticed how she spent more time alone in her room, hardly eating and sleeping, and barely spoke to them unless she needed to. So, she decides it’s time to do something, knowing how dangerous it can get when the maknae’s depression settles in. Seungwan knocks on the maknae’s door, entering before the girl can even respond (Man, she really needed to stop taking after Sooyoung). Yerim is curled up in her bed, phone illuminating her face in the darkness of the room. It was freezing, the air conditioner on full blast and Seungwan nearly shivered in her spot. Her heart softened when she saw the exhausted look on the youngest girl’s face, she needed to do something now.

“Get up and get dressed we’re going out.”

Her smile falters when Yerim merely looks at her, unamused and tired. She doesn’t say anything and Seungwan huffs, she won’t take no for an answer. She stomps over to the bed, taking the phone straight from Yerim’s hands and listening to her cry out in protest.

“Unnie!”

She had succeeded in pissing the younger girl off, judging by the annoyance in her tone as she cried out. She sat up in the bed, dragging herself out of it and lunging towards her phone, but Seungwan merely put her arm up behind her head. The maknae groaned and lunged forward again, not caring that she crashed directly into Seungwan’s body.

“Give it back!”

Seungwan smiled in amusement, teasing Yerim by waving it around and detaching their bodies. She stepped back and brought the phone down, her eyes grazing over the text messages Yerim was sending. She felt her smile falter when she read it, but she didn’t have time to react before Yerim had ripped her phone back, cradling it protectively against her chest.

_I’m so tired of living._

“Yerim-ah…”

She saw the pain on Yerim’s face fully now, everything the girl had been hiding had finally shone through. She watched as the younger woman dejectedly sat down on the bed, her lip wobbling.

“You had no right to read that…”

Seungwan sits next to her fast, pulling her into a tight hug and rubbing her back. She doesn’t flinch when Yerim sobs against her, nor when the tears pool against her neck. She just stays still and silent, holding the girl as close as possible until her cries die down. When the maknae pulls away and wipes her eyes, Seungwan just stares at her with so many words ready to spill from her mouth.

“I’m sorry...”

The sheer amount of disappointment Seungwan heard in Yerim’s voice startled her, and she quickly jumped to correct the younger girl.

“Hey no, you have nothing to be sorry for Yerimmie. I wish you would’ve told us.”

_What like your continuous honesty about being gay?_ She can’t help but let the thought slip and she grimaces at herself. She focuses on Yerim instead, grabbing her hand and smiling at her softly.

“There’s nothing wrong with the way you feel sweetie, but we’re always here to help okay?”

Seungwan isn’t sure who she’s trying to convince more right now, as selfish as that seems. But Yerim nods and she takes that as a win. She pulls the girl back up, and into a short but proper hug before pulling back.

“Now let’s go, I’m definitely not going to let you sit here all alone now.”

Seungwan prides herself on the fact that she got Yerim to agree to do something with her, smiling happily to herself as she leaves to let the girl get ready.

They find themselves at the movies a few hours later, shopping bags in the car and a filling lunch sitting in both of their stomachs. Seungwan pays for their tickets, and for their popcorn despite the fact that they most certainly were not in need of any popcorn. They stood in line, masks over their face as to not be recognized, but as Seungwan went to order she pulled the mask down and was met with the smiling face of the handsome employee.

“How can I help you?”

Seungwan orders their popcorn and soda, buying a box of Yerim’s favorite candies as well despite the girl’s sharp protests of being full. The man smiles at Seungwan widely, his perfect white teeth shining. He was every girl’s dreamboat, from the clean haircut to the perfect jawline and teeth, to the sculpted arms poking from his t-shirt and apron.

“You’re very pretty you know.”

Seungwan feels herself blushing at the compliments, unsure of whether or not the man recognized her. She feels Yerim shaking her arm in excitement at hearing what the man said.

“Ah… thank you.”

She knows it comes off as awkward but she can’t help it, it’s not every day she’s flirted with by a very attractive man. He hands her the popcorn and soda, which she passes quickly to Yerim and then slips the box of candy into her coat pocket.

“What’s your name?”

Seungwan’s suspicions were confirmed, the guy didn’t know who she was. She sighed in relief, almost glad to have a complete stranger who had no idea that she’s famous compliment her. Yerim steps in front of her excited, and Seungwan can already feel her stomach turning uncomfortably.

“It’s Seungwan.”

Seungwan wanted to slap her face, they should know better than to fraternize with random people when they could be recognized at any moment in time. She’s about to reprimand Yerim when the man cuts in again, returning her credit card to her with a nervous smile.

“Well Seungwan, I hope I’m not too forward in asking if I can take you on a date?”

Seungwan would’ve said no even if they were straight, it was just too dangerous. What if the guy did know who she was and he was just planning on kidnapping her or something? She blushed her mouth opening and closing as she stuck the card back into her wallet.

“I’m flattered really, but I don’t have much time to date I’m sorry.”

The man looks disappointed but nods anyways, shooting a small smile her way and making Seungwan feel slightly bad, he did seem like a good guy. Yerim stood beside her quietly, observing the now awkward exchange between them.

“Ah well it was worth a shot I guess, enjoy your movie.”

Seungwan bows to slightly in as a thank you before walking away as quickly as possible, trying to hide the uncomfortable look on her face. Yerim was by her side instantly, breaking into a fit of giggles and Seungwan could already feel the headache setting in.

“Don’t even Yerim, you know I couldn’t have said regardless.”

Yerim just lets out an exasperated sigh, shaking her head and looking pointedly at Seungwan.

“I know, but you didn’t even seem interested at all!”

Resisting the urge to rub her forehead, Seungwan just lets out a tiny breath and continues forward, not looking at Yerim.

“That’s because I wasn’t.”

The scoff Yerim lets out is enough to tell Seungwan exactly what the girl is about to say next.

“How could you not be? Did you even see him? He’s gorgeous, every woman’s dream.

_Not every._ She bites back the urge to say it, instead listening as Yerim continues to ramble on about how gorgeous he was. Her annoyance is rising by the second and it’s not long before she stops in her tracks, glaring at Yerim and speaking before she thinks.

“Have you ever considered that maybe I’m already seeing someone?”

That shuts Yerim up and makes Seungwan internally facepalm at the same time. _Great going genius_ she thinks to herself, how was she supposed to get out of that one? She watches Yerim’s face shift from shock to excitement in the blink of an eye, and she knows the maknae is about to bombard her with questions. She continues walking into their theatre, hoping that the silence around them would shut Yerim up and make her postpone her questions. But that was wishful thinking, and the maknae is leaning over to speak lowly to her, throwing out as many questions as I can.

“Who? Do I know him? It’s an idol, right? Oh my God, what group is he from? Is he handsome?”

The male pronouns make her uneasy, she feels like she’s letting them down without them even knowing. They expect her to find some handsome guy to date and maybe one day marry, but she would never be able to do that for them. Yerim got a few things right at least, she was an idol and yes, Yerim did know her. But she doesn’t answer, just turning to the maknae and glaring as hard as she could.

“I’m not answering your questions.”

She whispers as the movie starts, not looking to disturb the other moviegoers. Yerim just whines slightly louder than she should and Seungwan shoots her a warning look.

“But unnie, you have to now. You can’t just drop that bomb on me and not explain.”

Seungwan wants to leave now, she feels so uncomfortable from this conversation. If only she could keep her mouth shut for once.

“If I buy you dinner for the next week will you forget I even said anything, and that includes not telling anyone?”

She knows the best way to get Yerim to keep her mouth shut is to buy her secrecy. The maknae narrows her eyes at her, mulling over the deal offered before smirking.

“And dessert?”

“Fine, and dessert.”

Seungwan huffs in relief and annoyance as Yerim accepts her deal, squealing a little in the crowded theatre and earning them a bunch of looks.

“Now shut up and watch the movie before we get kicked out.”

That’s the end of the conversation much to Seungwan’s relief. She starts to stress eat the popcorn despite her stomach churning, and she feels nauseous. Here she is trying to do something nice for Yerim to cheer her up, and all she manages to do is nearly out herself more than she ever has before. She’s walking on thin ice now, and as much as she hates to think about it, she knows she’s running out of time.

Her secret would be out sooner rather than later. 

-

Seungwan knew that it was time to come clean. She had been walking on eggshells around them all for months, afraid to admit the truth even when it was right in front of their faces. The run-in with Joohyun on the laptop and Seulgi almost finding out about her and Julia, to Sooyoung nearly discovering her Netflix adventures and Yerim getting too close to the truth. Yerim, for her part, had actually kept it a secret (of course in exchange for a hefty blow to Seungwan’s wallet in the form of dinner). But this tiptoeing was only straining her relationship with them, and she needed it to stop as soon as possible. She sat in her room, tears streaming down her face as she called the one person who made her feel safe.

“Unnie? What’s wrong?”

Bless her girlfriend for always knowing when something was wrong. She sniffled into the phone, wishing desperately to be in her arms right now, and not sitting alone in the coldness of her own bedroom.

“Rosie… I need to tell them. It’s eating me alive.”

She sobs into the phone, fear and panic flowing throughout her voice. She heard silence on the other end, the woman clearly contemplating what to say. Seungwan knew that Chaeyoung was already out to her members, and they had accepted her with open arms right away. She wanted the same reaction from her members, and she knew that realistically she would get that, but it didn’t take the fear away.

“I think that’s a great idea baby, do you want me to be there or would you want to do it on your own?”

Seungwan doesn’t know what she wants anymore, but she knows what she needs. So, she shakes her head as if Chaeyoung will be able to see it, and sighs.

“No, I have to do this on my own.”

They talk for a while longer, Chaeyoung encouraging Seungwan and soothing her as best she can. She understands the nerves that come with coming out, especially to the people you’ve been calling home for years on end. Seungwan eventually relaxes, her tears stopping as she hugs the stuffed animal Chaeyoung bought her close.

“I want to introduce you to them, not just as Rosé from Blackpink, but as Park Chaeyoung, my girlfriend.”

Seungwan hears Chaeyoung giggle on the other end, giddy at being called her girlfriend despite having been dating for months. It was quite shocking to both of them really, how they came to be so close and even start dating as time went on. After their tour had ended, and thoughts of Julia stopped dancing around Seungwan’s mind, she thought it might be time to try and find other idols like her. It wasn’t hard, reaching out to Moonbyul and Yongsun who were known to be dating across the industry. A few private meetings later, and a lot of surprise on her end after discovering some other LGBT idols, and she and Chaeyoung had become increasingly close. They shared their own struggles with one another, confiding their deepest secrets, texting and hanging out whenever possible. Eventually, Seungwan worked up the courage to ask her out, and now here she was five months later, happier than ever. But something was missing, and that something was her group. She was sneaking around them, dating right under their noses and they had no idea as far as she knew (except for Yerim but she only had herself to blame for that one).

She didn’t sleep that night, her mind buzzing with the infinite possibilities of what could happen when she told them the truth. Her worst nightmare would be that they didn’t accept her, and as improbable as it seemed, she couldn’t help but be fearful. What would she do then if they didn’t accept her? Would that be the end of Red Velvet’s Wendy? She didn’t want to find out, but she couldn’t keep it in anymore. Six years, at this point, was a long time to hide. She was bound to run out of hiding spots eventually, and she did. There was nowhere left to hide, nowhere left to run, and it was time to face the truth.

It was time to be honest with them.

So, she gathers them in the living room the next afternoon, already trembling at the thought that this was it. This was when her life changed forever, for the worse or for the better she was unsure. But she stared at them as she paced, all of them with equally confused looks on their faces. Seungwan was starting to doubt her ability now, all of those times she had been moments away from telling them and she had chickened out. What made her so sure she wouldn’t do it again? She chewed her lip nervously, feeling tears building as she struggled to find the words.

“Seungwan-ah,” She turned to look at Joohyun, the leader sporting the softest and most comforting gaze, “whatever it is, it’s okay.”

She took a shaky breath, nodding her head as tears began to leak from the corner of her eyes. She watched them internally struggle, Sooyoung fidgeting like she wanted to get up and hug her tight.

“I haven’t been honest with you guys.”

They watched patiently, waiting for her to continue on, and she opened and closed her mouth. She wasn’t ready for this, but she had no choice but to be.

“For the longest time, I’ve been so scared of saying it. Because I didn’t want to disappoint you, but I didn’t want to keep it from you either and…”

Seungwan stops herself, her hands shaking as her eyes snap shut. Tears flow freely down her cheeks; she knows this is the last moment before it all changes. She takes a deep breath, her body trembling as she hung her head low.

“I’m gay.”

The room is silent, and Seungwan can’t decide whether or not she appreciates it. Her heart is thrumming hard against her chest, and she feels an odd weight lifting off of her but she feels a constricting amount of fear flooding through her veins at the same time. She chances a glance at them, tears pooling her vision but she sees the way they soften and stare at her.

“Please… please say something.”

She decided she didn’t appreciate the silence very much, and she felt her knees shaking, threatening to give out at any moment. If this was the last of her moments with them, she prayed that they let her down easy.

“Seungwan-ah, look at me.”

Never one to disobey Joohyun, she sniffled and looked up, the oldest woman’s eyes warm and gentle. She wants nothing more than one of Joohyun’s hugs, there was nothing more comforting than when the leader wrapped her in a tight secure hug. She holds her gaze before her vision goes blurry with more tears.

“Seungwan-ah, we already know.”

It comes out light and amused, and Seungwan can only suck in a confused breath. She lets her face fall, the confusion evident across all of her features.

“You…”

She trails off, too overwhelmed with emotion to continue saying anything. She watches as Joohyun gets off of the couch slowly, and engulfs the fragile girl in a tight hug. Seungwan tucks her face into the crook of Joohyun’s neck, letting out a soft sob into her skin.

“Yes, we already know it’s okay. We love you no matter what.”

That’s all she had ever wanted to hear. She sobbed hard and fast into Joohyun’s neck, her knees giving out and bringing both of them down to the floor as she cries for the six or more long years of holding in her secret. Arms wrap around her from all sides, and she quickly realizes she’s in the middle of all of them. They hold her tightly as she cries, Yerim crying with her while Seulgi coos and praises her. They all offer their physical and emotional support, and Seungwan couldn’t feel any more loved than this. She quiets down, her sobs turning into tiny whimpers and sniffles and she gives them a watery smile.

“Thank you.”

A few tissues and laughs later, and they’re all sitting down around her, a comfortable silence taking over. Seungwan smiles to herself, sniffling as she leaned her head against Sooyoung’s shoulder.

“How did you guys know?”

They collectively laugh, one by one taking their turns and explaining all the reasons Seungwan should’ve known she was being too obvious.

“Not to embarrass you Seungwan-ah, but it might benefit you if you browse your porn privately.”

They laugh at the way her face goes red, and she puts her head in her hands and groans.

“The eyes you gave your friend Julia, the room number on your hand, and the way you seemed so relaxed and less like you had a stick up your ass the next morning? Yeah, we all knew you got laid Wan.”

She didn’t think it was possible for her face to go any redder, but Seulgi made it happen.

“You had _Gossip_ _Girl_ in your Netflix list; the Seungwan I know would never watch that. That’s how I knew it was fake.”

Seungwan still couldn’t believe she had wasted money on a Netflix subscription to try and hide her secret, especially now that she knows it didn’t even work. She should’ve known Sooyoung was too perceptive to fall for that.

“Your total lack of interest in the hot movie theatre guy, oh and refusing to answer questions about who you’re dating.”

The room goes silent and Seungwan shoots Yerim a dirty glare. The others look over between them in shock.

“You’re dating someone? No way!”

They erupt in a fit of squeals and giggles, shoving Seungwan around and bombarding her with questions, so much so that their voices blended together. She just held her hands up in surrender, laughing as they begged her to tell them.

“Okay, okay, if you want to meet her then let me invite her over for dinner tomorrow night.”

There wasn’t a single complaint in the room as the girls eagerly screamed for her to invite her over. Seungwan refused to answer any questions, and they settled back into another comfortable silence. But Seungwan saw the loon on Joohyun’s face, the small smile as she looked lovingly at her.

“What is it unnie?”

Joohyun just waves her hand, breaking into an even bigger smile, one only reserved for Seungwan.

“Nothing, I’m just excited to really meet the girl who makes our Seungwan-ah so happy.”

Seungwan decides against telling them that they already know her, rather waiting to see the surprised looks on their faces when they get to figure it out for themselves. She laughs instead, unable to hide the smile on her face as she looks down bashfully. They all smile at her, and she looks up at them individually, tears building in her eyes again. She can’t hold them back as she looks at them.

“I love you guys, so much.”

They don’t hesitate to hug her tightly, suffocating her with their bodies as they express their love for her. She had finally come out to them, after years and years of being terrified of nothing. She realized how absurd she really had been for ever thinking that they’d hate her. She realizes now more than ever that these girls are her family, her home, and they would always be that for her.

“We love you Seungwan, always.”

**Author's Note:**

> get well soon Wendy :( I miss you a whole lot


End file.
